Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
