i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
