shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
