please come you make the beer taste better
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
