I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
