im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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