I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
