I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
