Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My penis needs a shock collar
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
