The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
