but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
