Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
