I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
