DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I FOUND THE LEGS
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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