You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
