I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
