I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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