I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
