so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
