i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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