I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
