My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
