Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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