Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
