What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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