Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
