Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's blow job season.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
