I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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