i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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