There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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