I'm so fucking centered right now
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
