the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
