I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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