He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
