I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
