i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
