Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
