I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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