just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
