On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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