if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
false alarm, still single
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
