Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Drunk is a universal language darling
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
