I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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