I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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