I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
