I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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