i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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