I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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