you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
