I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
